Dear readers, here are the 10 qualifications, according to The Babylon Bee, that will open the doors of this vaunted font of wisdom for you (Hindudevsha added one more for good measure):
- You did your doctorate dissertation on Mein Kampf: Exactly the kind of preparation you need to join the ranks of the Harvard elite.
- Your parents’ trust fund donated $3 million to the university: Add another million, and you get tenure!
- You’re an unqualified failure but also a Democrat: You’ve got it where it counts.
- You’re a humble janitor who likes to solve complex mathematical problems on the hallway chalkboard: The type of feel-good story someone should make a movie about.
- You anchored a CNN primetime show with very low ratings and are shaped like a potato. If Brian Stelter could do it, so can you!
- You believe “2+2=4” is up for debate: Only the most brilliant intellectuals can understand the nuances of Math.
- You believe in strength through diversity and also that there are too many Asians: Those are the wrong kind of diversity.
- You shout “Allahu Akbar” when you win a game of Mario Kart: Not a celebratory exclamation you hear every day, but when you do, you know something big happened.
- You pray to Obama, Harvard’s own patron saint.
- You just studied abroad in Gaza, where you shot homemade rockets at an Israeli birthday party: That’s the real-world, blood-on-your-hands experience Harvard values in its professors.
To which Hindudvesha adds one more:
- You have the audacity to quote Muslim organizations with known terrorist links to argue that Islamophobia is real, but Hinduphobia is not. Well done! Harvard and you are made for each other.
If you have any one of these qualifications, congratulations; there’s a good chance you will teach at Harvard some day! If you have more than one of them, you lucky dog, when can you start?